The Intergalactic Stereotactic!

I am dedicating this story to all the ladies out there who have survived all the testing and treatments involved with today's fight against breast cancer! These ladies are my heroins! I'm not afraid to use the word, heroin even though this like so many other words has gotten some really bad press and misusage in the last 30 years!

If you see the pink ribbon wrapped around anything, buy it! Give generously to breast cancer research. I know firsthand what it feels like to go through only a little of what these brave women have gone through. Like them I will, also, learn the results of my tests very soon.....

My initial mammogram showed some calcifications, so I was instructed to get another one done. I like to think I have a good sense of humor even in the face of adversity, but there are still times when I sit alone and cry about my fear of the unknown. My strength comes in making others laugh!

I went to see a surgeon who sent me for further testing. I experienced what I call the "Intergalactic Stereotactic"! I am grateful such technology is available to save my life, but the best way to describe this procedure is imagining your boob caught in a sewing machine! I laid down on a somewhat padded table with my arm and one breast dangling through a small hole in the table. You have to lay on your stomach, and the table is not really designed for your comfort. The table is then cranked up to the ceiling while you are totally unaware of what's going on! I felt like a 1954 model Ford car! The drapes next to the exam table were open! I asked the technician if anyone across the parking lot could see me. She assured me that no one would be watching! The humor began to creep inside of me. Where was I going to go! This thing had ahold of me! I could imagine the people across the parking lot in the office buildings sitting in their offices with high powered binoculars, popcorn, and sodas saying, "Okay, here goes another one"! I laid there imagining that I could be quite the show laying there looking the way I did. Sometimes out of boredom I flexed my knees covered with blue jeans to criss-cross my tennis-shoed feet in the air. It's the wonder I didn't take out one of the ceiling tiles! I asked for and got plenty of Lidocaine which was wonderful until it wore off later in the afternoon! Towards the end of the procedure the doctor came around to the side of the table I was looking out at. I had my head turned toward the window. All of a sudden this face looks at me (that's the only part of him I could see. I thought he was sitting on a chair! I said, "Oh, hello" then started laughing! The doctor did me a favor--I know that now. He not only removed a sample but cleaned up the whole joint! A tiny piece of metal was, also, inserted in my bust just to mark the spot in case I need further surgery. I asked the nurse, "Will this show up as I try to pass through airport security"?? "I don't want to set off some alarm and get felt up by some weirdo from airport security"! She assured me this part of my body wouldn't set anything off. Time will tell! I wonder if I'll get postcards at Christmas-time from the folks who worked across the parking lot that day?? I then had to have another mammogram done to make sure they got everything and the metal piece was in there. A procedure that normally takes 45 minutes took 2 hours! I made it through! I can probably go as the "Green Glowing Lady" for Halloween after all the mammograms I've had done this month!

Oh and by the by: Sutures are no longer used! The hole in me has a half-dollar size patch of Super Glue on it to help it heal! I now feel like last year's swimming pool float that's been patched!

I have a whole new appreciation, though, for the researchers, doctors, nurses, technicians, and especially the cancer survivors who have gone to these places before me.

Pray for a cure!

Dedicated to Elsie the Cow!

Today as I stood in the office having my follow-up mammogram for a more magnified look I pondered my whole new appreciation for Elsie, the famous cow! Don’t ask me why! I’ll try to explain:

To make 9 gallons of milk a day for several humans to drink and enjoy, Elsie has to drink 2 gallons of water for every gallon of milk she makes! If I had to drink 18 gallons of water a day, I would never be able to come out of the bathroom to make anything for anybody!

The gestation period for Elsie and her sisters is 9-months—just the same as her human counter-moms! A calf weighs 80-100 lbs. at birth. Need I say more here, ladies?? “Ouch” should sum it up!

A newborn calf can walk within one hour of birth. After a short time passes the calf keeps on walking and goes out into the field to get on with it’s life! Human moms usually have to wait 18-years or even longer before our kids walk out!

If a bull calls a cow a “heifer”, it is not only a miracle because the bull can talk, but Elsie is complimented. If a man calls a woman a heifer, he risks never being able to talk again or at the least with some difficulty!

Cows wear special earrings that contain ID which the farmer can use to track her by computer to see where she is going. If teenage girls had such earrings, we could do away with cell-phones for them!

Cows chew their cud for up to 8 hours a day! If I say something stupid, I can “eat crow” for days!

Cows have their udders down below, so the bulls really do have to look at their eyes first—a major complaint about the men from the women I know who are well endowed!

The milk Elsie and her sisters gives us is rich in calcium! Unlike me, Elsie doesn’t have to get a yearly mammogram and informed that her once working udders are now two sagging bags of rocks (filled with calcium deposits) which the technician says is “a natural part of the aging process like hardening of the arteries”!

Moo!

Wisdom teeth - or - teeth with wisdom??

Hello to all!

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've had wonderful intentions but not enough hours in the day to go around!

So here's another bedtime story for you:

Kids today are doing things at a much younger age than when we experienced such things, i.e. wisdom teeth growing in! Thinking about the possibility of having to take my 16-year-old in to have hers extracted makes me think back on my own experience. Yikes!

I used to work as a medical secretary for a doctor back home. I told him that my regular dentist told me I needed to get my wisdom teeth pulled. My boss recommended a man whom he knew to be a good dentist. I trusted my boss. Big mistake! I made an appointment with this dentist. When I walked in he took one look at the inside of my mouth and said, "Those teeth are a mess"! ("Ah, now I remember why I came in", thought I!) Apparently, one tooth had made it's way down through the gum while the others were laying on their sides! I also told him that at one time during my youth I was anemic (like many teenage girls are). He declared that he wouldn't touch my mouth until I had the proper preliminary labwork done. I couldn't figure out why he was trying to scare me?? I wasn't being nasty with him?? He then ended the office visit with, "I might have to break your jaw to get those teeth out". My mother was waiting for me out in the waiting room. When my eyes found her they were filled with tears!

I went back to Dr. S & M (sadomasochist). I sat down in the chair ready to get everything over with. His nurse stood by to give me the anesthetic in my arm. Dr. S & M said, "Now remember I still might have to break your jaw"! I ignored him and closed my eyes in defiance.

My mother waited for me to come out of the recovery room. The nurse told her I was awake enough that she could come in and help me wake up the rest of the way. My mom told me later that she heard me sobbing in my sleep?? We went on home. I stayed at my parent's house for a few days enjoying being pampered and sacking out on their couch while I recuperated. One of the first things my dad said to me as I laid there was, "You look just like Richard Nixon--"Old Hog Jowls""! Thanks Dad!

A bit of advice--if you have your wisdom teeth pulled, and you can't get your jaws to open up all the way for awhile--Find enough Yubba Bubba chewing gum (about 3 pieces) putting one piece in at a time until all three are easy to chew. You would be surprised how fast chewing on that big, soft ball of gum relaxes your gums!

And now the end of the story: Later on we learned that Dr. S & M had been accused of molesting his female patients while they slept! His nurses ratted him out. In no time at all Dr. S & M's license to practice dentistry was yanked, and he was ridden out of town on a rail! I never had anymore problems with my jaws, though!